Baby Alex is here!
I never knew my life would change this much. And I never knew adapting to being a mom would be this hard.
I guess I have always been – or no, wait… not ‘I guess’, but I AM an idealist. Even Mayers and Briggs agree;-)
I was pretty sure I would spend most of my time cuddling baby, bathing, and pampering him; dressing him up in cute clothes and showing him off to people while having a cappuccino at Mug and Bean. I just always assumed that if baby cried, all tears would stop the moment I picked him up – because I am his MOTHER. No one else would be able to comfort him the way I do. His face would light up at seeing me.
What a shock to ‘my system’. If Alex cries, I rarely get him to stop – unless I put a bottle in that little mouth or succeed in patting out a wind (which I’m horrible at!) The face of his mother doesn’t work like a magic pill – in fact, he often gives me a very angry frown! Going for a cappuccino is extremely stressful, as I never know when Alex will start crying and IF I will succeed in calming him down. As for dressing baby in cute clothes – they mostly turn yellow within a few minutes from getting them on that cute body (milk, poop, pee… not to mention how he screams when I dress him!)
Despite this despondent feeling, I have realised that if anything had to happen to Alex, it will tear my heart apart. I truly cannot imagine my life without him, even though he has only been with us for about three weeks (and nine months in my ‘tummy’!) I love him, but this doesn’t mean I am not struggling to cope with my new role. I thought I would be the angel God had chosen for this baby. I’m sure God DID choose me to be his mom… I just don’t see myself as an angel… I’m rather the mother in her pajamas, breast pads, bed hair and glasses (who has time to put contacts in?!). I hope I’ll be enough, Alex. I hope I can be the best mother you can have… because right now, I’m not sure I am getting it right.