Nicolette Writes

Professional Freelance Writer and Stay-at-Home Mom

I’m About To Crack… :-)

So here is what’s been going on in this mommy’s mind lately…

Alex has been going through a fussy phase (I know there are a few developmental [fussy?] phases that babies apparently go through – there’s a book on it called, The Wonder Weeks).

As a result, I constantly find myself having that ‘I’m going to crack’ feeling. I feel terrible for just saying this – I really love my baby (even when saying this I feel bombarded by an inner voice saying, ‘Do you? Do you really? How can you feel like ‘cracking up’ when he is crying and still say you love him?!’ These feelings are exactly what this post is about. But wait, I’m interrupting myself).

Last night I had to count to ten before picking Alex up. My sweet boy Alex with his big brown (gorgeous!) eyes. Maybe he is teething…? But he is only three months and seems rather to be going through a phase of separation anxiety. I tell you, the moment I leave the room (or his eye sight!), he starts screaming for me. After a few days of this, from 6am to about 6pm at home alone with him every day, I think you get that ‘I’m going to crack feeling’.

I say ‘I think’, because I am having a battle with guilt. I hear all these voices saying: ‘Stop complaining! There are so many women out there who would do anything to have a little baby!’ ‘You are so ungrateful – be careful that he doesn’t get taken from you’ What if God does punish me (I know, I know, God doesn’t work that way… but still…) and He takes away Alex overnight? What if something happens to Alex? So I find myself praying the whole day as I am faced with a cranky Alex: ‘Please, Lord, please don’t take him from me. I really don’t know what it is with me, Lord. I love him! I really do! I just feel like I’m going to crack…’

This, then, is where I am currently at. Feeling close to ‘cracking’, but fearing and feeling ashamed of my feelings…

What is a mommy to do? :-/


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5 thoughts on “I’m About To Crack… :-)

  1. Response on FACEBOOK regarding this post:

    * Chantel Landsberg ‎…what’s a mommy to do? …crack!…take a moment to crack! not whilst with little Alex of course…but, in YOUR time (hope u getting some)…in this quiet time…Don’t be so QUIET! Crack…i have cracked before! I have shouted to the heavens above…I have cried because my baby was crying…bit my tongue because she wouldn’t stop…! But…not out of hate…out of LOVE…out of caring…out of guilt…desperation…inexperience…not knowing…out of pure helplessness…Their piercing yelps can be daunting…unbearable at times, I know…but…
    I have accepted that we are but mere human beings…meant to break at some point…And to top it all off…we are WOMEN – emotional catastrophes waiting to explode…

    but luckily for us, God knows this as He created us! In all his AWESOMENESS!

    Just NEVER forget: “Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.” ~Linda Wooten

    And also, as Mother Teresa once said:
    “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
    Mother Teresa

  2. Another Facebook response:

    Erica Neser Ek weet presies hoe jy voel! Ons voel ALMAL party dae so. Of party weke!! Dis die lot van die moderne ma: heeldag alleen met baba by die huis. Dis nie hoe mense ontwerp is nie… As ons 12 ander vrouens van verskillende ouderdomme rondom ons gehad het elke dag, sou ons waarskynlik nooit daai crack gevoel kry nie… Sterkte.

  3. Pingback: I think I’m becoming a mom… « Nicolette Writes

  4. I feel like cracking up atleast once a week. My baby is 8 months old, has had the 1st cold, bronchiolitis, ear infection and today after work when I fetched him his whole body was covered in a rash. My baby is hectic, cries for everything, doesn’t want to sit alone always wanting to be held, cries when you change his nappy, cries when he is bathed. Doesn’t like solids and so the list goes on. I’m constantly feeling drained he’s just not content to play on his own for a bit or so. I feel he is so demanding. I look terrible most of the time because I do not have the time like before to do my hair or just make myself look pretty. After offering up so much and always there to see to his every need sometimes I wonder if he even knows I’m his mom or if he loves me. To me he seems more excited to see his dad or his day mother. Being a 1st time mom is so frustrating. Ii had a hectic pregnancy and now I’m sitting with a hectic baby. Not sure if I will ever get used to this new role of mine

    • Dear TLC!

      Please keep contact with me, so we can encourage each other! Let me know what you think… Via email perhaps?

      I’m on my way to bed now, so can’t type a proper reply, as hubby is trying to sleep with me clicking on my phone, but let me just tell you this:
      Firstly, your baby is more excited to see his dad at night, because he is used to you and see you every day, all the time. I’m pretty sure that if your baby starts walking and falss and wants to be comforted, he’ll choose your arms.
      And secondly, I often think about the fact that I’m doing so much for my baby and that he will probably never even remember it – but the thing is, we are building the foundation now for a good future relationship. Your baby will just one day realise he loves you and he won’t be able to comprehend why, but it will be because of the hours you spend with him. It’s like putting one block on another in his little brain – you can’t see anything yet with only two lines of bricks, but you can’t build the wall (relationship with your son) without those first steps of bathing, changing nappies, comforting, struggling through teething, etc. One day you will see your baby turn his head to look for you while many people are standing around him peeping into his pram oooh-ing and aaahh-ing. He will turn to look to see if you are there, and you will then know that all you do isn’t for nothing – he does remember, although in a different way than grown-ups do.

      But I won’t take anything away from how tough your situation is – being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am on medication and am seeing a professional and I also have a support system going. You can’t do this on your own. Please keep me updated! I am part of a mommy support group on Facebook. But let me know if you would be interested in further communication. I may not be able to give advice, but I can listen – and I am going through many of the same things on this side with my nine-month old.

      Sending you love and positive energy!
      Got to go – the hubby wants to sleep!


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