Nicolette Writes

Professional Freelance Writer and Stay-at-Home Mom

My Latest Battle


I am trying to figure something out for myself… let’s call it my latest ‘battle of the mind’.

So, I was sitting in bed the other night, doing my Bible reading for the day (I recently started trying again slowly after battling with God for a while and struggling to have faith). Then, after my reading, I wanted to say things to God such as, ‘I cannot believe you can really love me a lot’, and, ‘How can people say that nothing will come our way we cannot handle – I don’t believe that Lord! I have had lots of things in my life I couldn’t handle…?’

I had so many questions and things I wanted to say that night, but it felt like God would discipline me for being ignorant of His power and for being disrespectful. I even sometimes think: ‘What if God takes Alex away when I complain that I am tired and that he wants attention ALL the time?’

Will God punish me for my 'Alex-complaining'?

Will God punish me for my ‘Alex-complaining’?

My thoughts continued to overwhelm me: ‘Why is it so hard for me to believe God loves me and won’t strike me with a lightning bolt? And why would I rather tell my friends about my faith struggles than God. Why am I convinced that my best friends would be much more sympathetic towards me if I were to share my worries with them?

Could it be that God, for me, has become the ‘Voice of Society’? The ‘adult voice’ as it is known in the field of Psychology… The adult voice (our parents), which says: ‘Make the oom and tannie some coffee or tea’; ‘ask the tannie if you can help her in the kitchen’; ‘don’t sing and jiggle like that while we are in the Pick and Pay!’; Generally, the voice that says: ‘Behave!’PENTAX Image

Do you know what I am saying? I am referring to all those voices telling us about what is appropriate and what not… Could this be why I am struggling to draw close to God? Do I just assume he will tell me to ‘be nice to all the people and not be so selfish’?

What about the voice inside me that wants to break free of all society teaches us? The voice that screams out ‘kan jy jou idee van normaal in jou gat opdruk’ (Van Coke Kartel song, translated meaning ‘Can you shove your idea of what is normal up your ass?!’)

Children, behave!!

Children, behave!!

But then, as I hear these voices shouting in my head, I think of the Bible… we are told to be good, to love our neighbours, to help, to be nice to be good and nice and good and some more nice… love your neighbour as yourself…. So isn’t this voice (the voice of God) the same as the voice of society?

Hmmm… I don’t know… I really just want to scream against some of the things we were raised to believe… But these things we were taught sound similar to lessons from the Bible… Does my inner scream against the head-girl and head-boy behaviour in this world mean I am completely on the wrong track?!

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13 thoughts on “My Latest Battle

  1. This is such a beautiful blog!! wowie!

  2. Thank you, Zelda!! Hope Jack is doing well:-)

  3. Anonymous on said:

    Hey Nicolette, nou so geniet om jou post te lees, jys talentvolle skrywer:) Ek comment nie gewoonlik op blogs nie, maar met die een gaan ek nou en hoop wat ek skryf maak sin en help jou dalk so bietjie net jou bg vrae. ek tik nou sommer van my foon so verskoon as dit bietjie kripties is:)

    Suggested reading Nics om jou dalk te help met jou vraag oor God’s voice vs “voice of society” – die eerste hoofstuk van CS Lewis se Mere Christianity. As ek reg onthou (het dit hele paar jaar terug gelees), bespreek hy die verhouding tussen en oorsprong van ” moral principals” en Godly/Biblical principals;)

    En dan oor die” lighting bolt vrees” wat jy na verwys… Haha het ons nie maar almal dit eens gevoel nie – ek dink eerder die oorsprong van hierdie vrees is ‘n “societal indoctinated misperception” van wie God is – maw die oorsprong van daai redenasie is vanuit die samelewing en nie van God . Jesus het dan gesê ‘ I came to give you life and life in abundance” 🙂 Hy’t nie gekom en gesterf om ons net nog meer skuldig te laat voel as wat ons anyway is nie (ons almal is vol foute) “IT WAS FOR FREEDOM (not further condemnation) THAT CHRISt SET US FREE”.

    Daarsy;) my 2cents worth:)

    Liefde
    Karina

    • Dankie Karina!!
      En dankie dat jy op my blog ge-‘comment’ het… 😀 Ek gaan daardie boek soek… ek love dit om in tweede handse boekwinkels rond te loop, so dalk kry ek hom iewers daar teen ‘n goeie prys! 😀

      Liefde,
      Nicolette
      O ja – WELL DONE met jou besigheid wat so goed doen!!

  4. Karina on said:

    Hey Nicolette, nou so geniet om jou post te lees, jys ‘n talentvolle skrywer:) Ek comment nie gewoonlik op blogs nie, maar met die een gaan ek nou exception maak en hoop wat ek skryf maak sin en help jou dalk so bietjie net jou bg vrae. ek tik nou sommer van my foon so verskoon as dit bietjie kripties is:)

    Suggested reading Nics om jou dalk te help met jou vraag oor God’s voice vs “voice of society” – die eerste hoofstuk van CS Lewis se Mere Christianity. As ek reg onthou (het dit hele paar jaar terug gelees), bespreek hy die verhouding tussen ” moral principals” en Godly/Biblical principals en oorsprong van samelewing se idee van “good behaviour”.

    En dan oor die” lighting bolt vrees” wat jy na verwys… Haha het ons nie maar almal dit eens gevoel nie – ek dink eerder die oorsprong van hierdie vrees is ‘n “societal indoctrinated misperception” van wie God is – maw die oorsprong van daai redenasie is vanuit die samelewing en nie van God . Jesus het dan gesê ‘ I came to give you life and life in abundance” 🙂 Hy’t nie gekom en gesterf vir ons salvation om ons net nog meer skuldig te laat voel as wat ons anyway is nie (ons almal is vol foute) “IT WAS FOR FREEDOM (not further condemnation) THAT CHRISt SET US FREE”.

    Daarsy;) my 2cents worth:)

    Liefde
    Karina

  5. Excellent. Love this 🙂

  6. Arete Schoeman on said:

    Baie Courageous blog!
    Jy het woorde vir wat ek nie kan bewoord-nee ekt nie kids maar Baie van dieselfde kan ek op my toe pas….en Karina ek gaan sommer die naweek my Mere Christianity uit die boekrak haal. Love CS Lewis …
    Groete
    Arete

    • Karina on said:

      Ander meer kontemporêre boek wat ek kan ook kan voorstel om te help om die “lightning bolt zapping Man upstairs” wanpersepsie van God en die hoofmeisie/hoofseun sindroom te breek is “Spirtual slavery to spiritual sonship” deur Jack Frost 🙂
      Karina

    • Dankie vir jou ‘comment’ Arete! Nog ‘n C.S. Lewis boek wat jy maar regtig in die hande kan kry is ‘The Screwtape Letters’ ***

      Liefde,
      Nicolette

    • Dankie vir jou ‘comment’ Arete! Nog ‘n C.S. Lewis boek wat jy maar regtig in die hande kan kry is ‘The Screwtape Letters’ ***

      Liefde,
      Nicolette

  7. Anonymous on said:

    Dear Nicolette
    Undoubtedly, society uses religion to control. It is very hard to untangle that from the God that religious people speak of. It is almost as if they are in denial and don’t want to accept that their religion is responsible for a huge amount of repression. One thing I know for sure is that God cannot be the small-minded, punitive being we have made. A God who punishes you for your desperate feelings? Reject that, Nicolette. It can’t be true. I share your struggle with the promises of the bible. Don’t be ashamed of your anger. If God is real he will lead your honest questioning back to faith. Only real honesty will lead to peace.
    Lots of love
    Melanie

    • Ah dear Melanie!

      So good to hear from you 😀
      I find your words very comforting… thank you so much. Yes – maybe I have the Old Testament in mind when thinking of God – I remember now that when Jesus died, at that very moment the curtain of the temple tore in two – there would from then on be no more distance between us and God.. thanks for prompting my thoughts in this direction.

      Hope to see you soon at T.E.A. – we did a dream board the previous time – it was great and peaceful***

      Love, Nicolette

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