My Latest Battle
I am trying to figure something out for myself… let’s call it my latest ‘battle of the mind’.
So, I was sitting in bed the other night, doing my Bible reading for the day (I recently started trying again slowly after battling with God for a while and struggling to have faith). Then, after my reading, I wanted to say things to God such as, ‘I cannot believe you can really love me a lot’, and, ‘How can people say that nothing will come our way we cannot handle – I don’t believe that Lord! I have had lots of things in my life I couldn’t handle…?’
I had so many questions and things I wanted to say that night, but it felt like God would discipline me for being ignorant of His power and for being disrespectful. I even sometimes think: ‘What if God takes Alex away when I complain that I am tired and that he wants attention ALL the time?’
My thoughts continued to overwhelm me: ‘Why is it so hard for me to believe God loves me and won’t strike me with a lightning bolt? And why would I rather tell my friends about my faith struggles than God. Why am I convinced that my best friends would be much more sympathetic towards me if I were to share my worries with them?
Could it be that God, for me, has become the ‘Voice of Society’? The ‘adult voice’ as it is known in the field of Psychology… The adult voice (our parents), which says: ‘Make the oom and tannie some coffee or tea’; ‘ask the tannie if you can help her in the kitchen’; ‘don’t sing and jiggle like that while we are in the Pick and Pay!’; Generally, the voice that says: ‘Behave!’
Do you know what I am saying? I am referring to all those voices telling us about what is appropriate and what not… Could this be why I am struggling to draw close to God? Do I just assume he will tell me to ‘be nice to all the people and not be so selfish’?
What about the voice inside me that wants to break free of all society teaches us? The voice that screams out ‘kan jy jou idee van normaal in jou gat opdruk’ (Van Coke Kartel song, translated meaning ‘Can you shove your idea of what is normal up your ass?!’)
But then, as I hear these voices shouting in my head, I think of the Bible… we are told to be good, to love our neighbours, to help, to be nice to be good and nice and good and some more nice… love your neighbour as yourself…. So isn’t this voice (the voice of God) the same as the voice of society?
Hmmm… I don’t know… I really just want to scream against some of the things we were raised to believe… But these things we were taught sound similar to lessons from the Bible… Does my inner scream against the head-girl and head-boy behaviour in this world mean I am completely on the wrong track?!