Nicolette Writes

Professional Freelance Writer and Stay-at-Home Mom

Archive for the tag “depression”

Holding on…


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Wow… no idea where I am going with this post, but I just have to write something… because Chester Bennington is dead. His voice and the lyrics he sang has been a part of my life since my friend’s brother introduced me to their music at 18, and today at 34 I am still following Linkin Park and am an even bigger fan. When I was pregnant with my first child, my baby was practically listening to Linkin Park in my womb for hours a day!

I think what is the hardest for me about his death, is that because I struggle with Depression myself (not saying that that was his diagnosis, but we can assume mental health was a factor), so because I am a Depression sufferer myself, and have been for probably the last 15 years of my life, I can’t help but feel anxious, thinking: ‘If HE couldn’t make it, if HE couldn’t beat Depression, how on earth will I?” If Chester Bennington, who had ‘the world at his feet’, couldn’t handle life anymore, how will I, a ‘mere stay-at-home-mom’ who no one knows about, how will I pull through the dark times?

He seemed invincible. His whole life. The band. I can’t get myself to listen to any of my Linkin Park CDs right now, as I am not sure which emotions will show their face…

“CRAWLING in my skin, these wounds, they will not heal…” I guess they never healed for you Chaz, even after all those years you first sang that song, and after so many interviews I have seen where it seems you have overcome all your demons.

Looking forward to meeting you one day when my journey comes to an end, and until then, I’ll try to find some answers about life. I already know that pain is sometimes more than humans can take. I know that knife feeling in your heart. I know how it feels when everything in your mind is just so heavy. But there has got to be another way out.

Mindfulness


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Wowzers! Is that even a word?! I haven’t blogged in over a year! For so long I have thought that I have given up my writing career to be a full-time mom… but I think I am not finished yet.

Besides being a stay-at-home-mom, my laptop was also kaput and I haven’t been able to access my blog. Well, my birthday is tomorrow, and my husband got me a new MacBook Air! Can you hear me screaming?! Just to justify such an expensive gift, my previous MacBook was TEN YEARS old and the guy at the Apple Store actually laughed when I took it out 😉

So here I am. Pretty much the same Nicolette, just a little bit wiser I think. I have been in therapy for my Depression this last year, and I have learned significant coping mechanisms. At the moment, however, the black dog has got quite a solid grip on my ankle again, and the tool I am trying to whack it over the head with is MINDFULNESS.

Mindfulness seems to be all the new hype – if you are into self-help reading and minimalism and all those kind of things like I am.

Here are the two mindfulness techniques I am currently TRYING (it’s not easy) to apply to make life with the black dog bearable:

1.) Thoughts are just visitors. Last night I read this quote: “There is only one meditation – the rigorous refusal to harbor thought.” – Nisargadatta Maharaj. In other words, when my black dog thoughts come to torture my mind, I tell them, ‘Okay, here you are, I see you, and there’s the door, there you go again.’ I literally picture the thoughts coming in, and then a door opening in my mind and me letting them out. I try to NOT entertain these visitors. Here you are, there’s the door, there you go. Perhaps it sounds silly… but it does help.

2.) I try to not think about yesterday, I try to not think about tomorrow or anything I still have to do – I try to become aware of what is going on in the moment. I hear the clock ticking, I hear a car outside. I love the look of my new laptop. I see Rebecca cutting up a piece of paper. She looks cute. I become present. And I try to remain present. This is possibly the most difficult part of mindfulness for me.

So that’s that for now – this is just where I am at right now. Please share any stories of mindfulness that you want to!

Oh yes – I forgot a third mindfulness thing that I am trying:

3.) Look up. Look up from the mess going on inside your head and see where you can help. Anyone. In any small way. Email your church to find out about needs in your community. Offer to drive an old person somewhere. Buy a friend something small you know will cheer them up. Walk puppies at the shelter. Make something for someone. Buy food for someone. Look up from the mess in your head that only makes you bleed, and stop someone else’s wound from bleeding. This actually helps me the most.

Love to you all
Nicolette
Picture for attention 😉

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