So here is what’s been going on in this mommy’s mind lately…
Alex has been going through a fussy phase (I know there are a few developmental [fussy?] phases that babies apparently go through – there’s a book on it called, The Wonder Weeks). www.thewonderweeks.com
As a result, I constantly find myself having that ‘I’m going to crack’ feeling. I feel terrible for just saying this – I really love my baby (even when saying this I feel bombarded by an inner voice saying, ‘Do you? Do you really? How can you feel like ‘cracking up’ when he is crying and still say you love him?!’ These feelings are exactly what this post is about. But wait, I’m interrupting myself).
Last night I had to count to ten before picking Alex up. My sweet boy Alex with his big brown (gorgeous!) eyes. Maybe he is teething…? But he is only three months and seems rather to be going through a phase of separation anxiety. I tell you, the moment I leave the room (or his eye sight!), he starts screaming for me. After a few days of this, from 6am to about 6pm at home alone with him every day, I think you get that ‘I’m going to crack feeling’.
I say ‘I think’, because I am having a battle with guilt. I hear all these voices saying: ‘Stop complaining! There are so many women out there who would do anything to have a little baby!’ ‘You are so ungrateful – be careful that he doesn’t get taken from you’ What if God does punish me (I know, I know, God doesn’t work that way… but still…) and He takes away Alex overnight? What if something happens to Alex? So I find myself praying the whole day as I am faced with a cranky Alex: ‘Please, Lord, please don’t take him from me. I really don’t know what it is with me, Lord. I love him! I really do! I just feel like I’m going to crack…’
This, then, is where I am currently at. Feeling close to ‘cracking’, but fearing and feeling ashamed of my feelings…
What is a mommy to do?